Saturday, September 24, 2011

Camping Sex

When you’re dating during the spring and summer, if you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself in the great outdoors at some point. No matter what your definition of 'communing with nature is' (and that can range from tenting on a backpacking trail and using a Johnson-log to relieve yourself all the way to a 2 story cottage overlooking a lake, complete with Jacuzzi spa, hot-tub on the deck, and a boathouse, you will likely find yourself sharing many romantic interludes with your loved one. All that fresh air and all those sunsets are natural sexual invigorators – getting her in the intimate frame of mind, and reminding him about the natural side of being alive. Plus, there are those full moon nights with lots of bright stars – hopefully while you end up skinny-dipping together. Likely all of these activities will result in 'sex in the wild'. There is however an element of health risk involved, so you should not just do the 'down and dirty' without being prepared. Big city living means that you do not have some of the natural resistance to bacteria that your cave dwelling ancestors did, so you must be more prepared than they were able to be.

Problem: Dirty Sex (And Not “Good” Dirty, Either)

Being outdoors exposes you to a lot of dirt and grim. It is just a natural outcome of being outdoors. It cannot be helped. Normal outdoor activities like starting a fire, cooking over a campfire, cutting wood, and just the smoke and bug sprays leaves you a much less desirable person to be around from an intimacy point of view. No matter how amorous you might feel, the Hollywood movie version of an idyllic and loving camping trip or nature walk are unlikely to happen unless you take care of basic sanitation necessities. So there are a few recommendations. Wash up thoroughly before bedtime. When roughing it in the bush, take a container of 'wet wipes' with you to help keep yourself sanitary in your nether regions.

Solution: Bath or Sponge Bath Frequently

There are ways around this pitfall, of course. If you’re in a national park, go for a walk to the shower station. Go during off-peak hours when you’ll have some privacy – waiting until all the kids in the park are in bed is the perfect time to go. If you sneak in together, you can have a shower, and then shower sex together (likely though, unless you are in a same sex relationship, one of you will be busting into a facility meant for the opposite sex – maybe three in the morning would be better).

Problem:  Privacy

It doesn’t take an acoustics engineer to realize that the millimeter of nylon that comprises your tent wall won’t do much to keep your sex noises private. And since sound travels so well over water, even people on the other side of the lake will be able to hear what you sound like when you’re trying the Inverted Reverse Pile-driver. Even worse, if you’ve gone camping with friends and their kids, there are going to be a lot of questions in the morning about the strange noises they’ve heard.

 Solution: Really Long-g-g Nature Hikes

This one works like a charm, as long as you remember some basic safety tips. First, don’t go where there are bears. They can kill the mood and you’re partner. Second, don’t go at night – finding your way back in the dark when you’re brain has been scrambled by some hot sex is too difficult. Third, bring a pad or blanket to lay on so you can avoid getting dirt and bugs on you while you do the dirty. Also, let your camping party know you’re going for a hike.  That way, if you deplete all your bodily fluids during the coitus and can’t make it back, they can send the rangers out to look for you. Just pull up your shorts before they rescue you, for appearances sake.

So this summer, enjoy copious, carefree, camping coitus carefully!

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