Sunday, September 16, 2012

Get Away From Me Loser




My name is Brianna and this is my dating story. I couple of years ago, I was recently divorced and really missing men. In short, I was desperately horny. I had been out of the dating picture for quite a while, and was at loose ends as to where to start. My ever helpful sister Darla told me that I should try plentyoffish. Well I told her that eating fish was supposed to be good for a lot of things, but how would that help me get it on with a man. I did not need an aphrodisiac, I needed a dick (mainly because the imitation ones were just not cutting it for me anymore)! She informed me that it was a dating site that I should try and maybe I could meet a nice guy to spend some time with. At first I was against the idea, but gradually I came around. After all, what did I have to loose? BIG MISTAKE!

As it turns out, plentyoffish is a good name for the site. I met some barracudas and a few slimy eels, and even someone that I thought of as pond scum. They should call it plenty of losers.

The first guy that I met in the chat room said tat he liked to walk on beaches (by the way, that is a pickup line on a dating site – guys do not really like to walk on beaches I have found) and he liked to spend time with his children. When I checked his profile, it turns out that he does not have any kids at all, he was just leading me on, so I moved on.

The next man I met in the chat room seemed nice enough. He described himself to me as a trim 35 year old man who had no kids and had been divorced for a few years. He was looking for a serious relationship. When I met the dude in person, he was 65 if he was a day. His hair was all white, and he had quite a beer belly. At least 48 inches! He was dressed all in black. All he was missing was a guitar and he could have passed for an ugly Johnny Cash impersonator. And we all know how pock marked poor old Johnny was. Well I was stuck there with him and time kept dragging on. As soon as I could manage it without seeming rude, I grabbed the first transportation out of there!

The next one spoke in a semi-Ebonics patois, and that is weird considering that he was white and all. All he could talk about was having sex with me. Well I told him if he touched me I was going to scream and call the police. I had to cut and run yet again! So there I was, blocking him on plentyofmorons at the first opportunity.

I talked to Darla and told her that her wonderful dating site, plentyofduds, had not been so good for me in any way. She insisted I give it another go so I did, I started chatting with a guy who seemed to be very sensible, smart and funny so I agreed to go out with him.

He took me to a nice club and as we sat down at the table a few of my friends who also  happened to be there came over to say hello. I invited them to sit with us. After all, they were friends, this was only a get acquainted date and I had no intention of finding myself between the sheets. Maybe it was intuition that had me invite them. I really do not know, but I did not think that there was any harm in it. My date was pissed about it. I guess he had different plans than I did as to how the night would go, and realized that having a crowd would not let him hit the home run he was likely trying to score. He made it known to me that he did not want my friends at the table with us. I disagreed and he started sulking of all things. I could not believe the way he was behaving like a child. In any event, this proved to me that he was not very suave, and it would very likely get in the way at some point. Later, my friends and I were kibitzing around cracking jokes. He honestly seemed not to be following them. He certainly was not laughing much, and when he did it looked forced. In any event, he proved to me that he was not the person that he pretended to be online. Funny how it is that you can pick up on things in person that evade you when chatting online. Needless to say, it was my last date with the bad humor guy!

For the next couple of months, I chatted with a bunch of guys, but they were mostly neanderthals who had trouble stringing a coherent thought together. Certainly, their command of the written word left a lot to be desired. Truly uninspiring. I did not want to meet any of them.  I may not be as young as I once was, but I keep fit with regular hard exercise, and I am totally honest. I expect that any man I partner with to keep themselves actively healthy and not to lie to me. I was concerned that I was just wasting my time because a few more months had gone by with little to show for it. I started to think that plentyoffish should be called plentyofnothing after that old Gershwin tune. I often found myself humming that tune each time I logged in.

So for most of several months I've been spending my time alone, and not by design. That dating site was for the birds. I told my sister “NO MORE” dating sites. I will take my chances at the local bars. I was tired of hanging out at good old plentyoftimewasted.

She told me that she had recently heard of another site that some of her friends had used successfully. If I wanted she said would get me the link that would point me in the right direction. Well I had nothing to lose but more time, and I had scads of that since I did not have any dates. To cut to the chase, I agreed and she got me the link.

So when I went to the site, I was surprised to find that it was not a dating site at all. It was actually a dating review site. It had done a lot of work to select and categorize what it called the top dating sites on the internet. It was really easy to use. I selected a couple of sites and joined. One I had to pay for, and the other I did not have to pay. Within hours I was getting results. I did find that there were a bunch of idiots on them as well, but not quite as many as I was used to tap dancing around. I am now dating a couple of guys, one from each site. They are both nice guys, they are not cheap, they do not do weird things, and I feel great being seen in public with them. What a difference. Finally, my life is going someplace good again!

I may have figured out why it is that I was successful on these sites but not on plentyoffish. I think that the issue is that plentyoffish is free to everybody. Because of that, it attracts a disproportionate amount of losers. I mean, would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone unsuccessful, or someone who is too cheap to pay for something? Unfortunately, free sites tend to attract exactly the types of people who either cannot afford to pay for better (because they are unsuccessful) or else they are too cheap to pay at all. This site that I went to actually has links to sites that are mostly paying sites. In a way, that is an automatic filter on them because unsuccessful people and cheap people tend to stay away from them. I also got a pleasant surprise on several of them when it turned out that women did not have to pay at all. Just the men. As a woman, I have been just as successful on sites where only the men pay as sites where the men and the women have to pay.

So don't go to the wrong type of site. Go to one that will work for you.

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